Let,s face it---- dogs are some very slick and conniving creatures, ok? We like to make humans think we won,t when we will? Confused? Ok, let me introduce myself, Chester Collie, here to shed some light on the subject.
You humans know dog-gone well we will do whatever is necessary for our meals. We will fetch, sit, stand, rollover, play dead, whatever it takes.
You dummies have no clue what is happening right under your very noses!
When you leave for work, go to the doctor, run errands, or go out on a date, guess what? WE take control of the house!
I said before that we are smarter than you think! You make sure I have plenty of food and water and get plenty of exercise.
Well tonight is the night because my human and his missus are heading out for a night on the town. I,m going to have a night in the house.
We also like the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees, the moon up above, and a thing called LOVE. It,s PARTY TIME!
It,s around 8pm now and the master and missus is getting dressed, looking sharp in their fabric clothes.
Too bad they can,t grow hair like we do and not worry about what to wear.
After checking the house and making sure the doors and windows are secure, they are almost ready to exit.
Of course they leave my doggy door open because they don,t want to come back and clean up my mess.
I position myself to get my obligatory pat on my head as they proceed to go out the door, then listen for the sound of the key locking the door!
I jump up and put my two front paws to the windowsill, watch them get in that little doghouse on wheels and wait till they,re out of sight. Happy, happy, joy, joy!
Okay it,s time to head over and look at the clock. Now before you start questioning how I can tell time, think about it!
Dogs have been on this planet a long, long while and we have GREAT powers of observation!
I figure we got here a few eons after the dinosaurs left and you guys starting walking upright.
We darn sure didn,t arrive in a spaceship from some other planet, or DID WE (wink wink)?
Anyway this is my story, not yours! So it,s off to a secret hiding place and pull out a dog whistle. The same one you supposedly"lost" which I accidentally "found".
I pull out the spare dog dishes and rubber bones before my soon-to-be guests start arrive.
I sure as heck can,t use the phone and you,re asking why? You humans have no sense whatsoever!
Imagine a dog trying to dial the numbers, barking into the receiver (the operator will think it,s a crank call) so I put the dog whistle between my paws put it in my mouth and blow (told you I knew a few tricks)!
I wait and sure enough, within a few minutes, every dog within a five block radius comes running! They start piling in thru the doggy door and the party is ON so let the games BEGIN!
Every inch of the house is alive with dogs of all shapes and sizes, from tiny poodles to great danes, playing, high, er paw fiving, making out(WHOOPIE)!
The radio station (G-R-R-R) is playing Elvis Presley,s "You Ain,t Nothin But A Hound Dog", as me and my bark buddies romp all around the house.
Some get a card game going in the kitchen.
Oh, so now you don,t believe me! You,ve seen that famous portrait of dogs playing poker hanging on someone,s bar wall right?
Look closely and you,ll see my great, great granddog in there!
You may have seem many still-life paintings but this one was REAL LIFE!
Dogs won,t sit still long for anything so the artist (who currently resides in the local asylum because no one would believe him!) took a picture of the dogs playing and used that for the basis of his portrait.
Anyway, all of us are having a field night, barking, seeing which one can empty a dog dish the fastest, sniffing around the female members of our species huddled on one side of the room, and just having a dog-gone GOOD time.
All of a sudden two dogs ( that sneaked in uninvited) start fighting over over all things---A BONE! We call humans crazy and now look at us!
It,s not like gold or bling-bling, heck any dog can dig one up somewhere if it,s not too lazy to do so.
Two dogs fighting multiply into four, then eight, then sixteen, well you get the big picture.
Now I,m running around like a DOGGONE fool, barking orders, trying to get them to stop and not a single dog is paying attention to me!
My little four-legged behind barely dodging falling lamps and various small pieces of glass what-nots, trying to get this snarling pack of rabid, out of their minds animals to stop!
On and off the furniture, which is being torn to bits, they fight back and forth!
Bits of cotton and furniture stuffing fly all around the room as my bark buddies continue to destroy a once beautiful living room and den. Suddenly I hear the sound of a car pulling up in the driveway!
I take a quick peek at the clock and notice that it,s two hours have passed since this party began. These crazy canines hear the sound of cars doors closing.
The approaching footsteps make these harried pooches really start to panic because they don,t want a one-way trip to the dog pound!
I,m not worried about the pound; It,s the DOG FOOD FACTORY most likely I,ll be going to!
Suddenly there,s the sound of a key being inserted in the door, the key turning, and THE DOOR OPENING! My master steps in and is swallowed instantly by a WAVE of fur and paws!
After what seems like an eternity (actually a few seconds) my master picks himself up off the floor and begins to survey the mess before him, but I'm not worried. Why not you ask?
Because I,m going to one of three places; to the dog pound, the dog food factory (and shipped to supermarkets all across America), or in a soon-to-be dug hole in the field behind the back yard fence.
I,ve hastily written out my will (didn,t know we knew about these things did ya, AHA!) and I can,t give my personal belonging away per say as I don,t know all my kids, er, puppies.
Anything that looks like me, its first come first served.
Well the moral of this little tale is be a smart dog, not a dumb one like me.
I outsmarted my own little four-legged tail by thinking I was smarter than my human master.
. But before you get too worried about me, know this; I didn,t go to any of the after-mentioned places (whew!).
My human disowned me and took me to a pet store where he traded me for a parrot!
How dumb is that you say? Well I could only bark and run around the house.
That parrot might be caged but he,s two-faced, er beaked !
He,ll tell all their BUSINESS to anyone that sets foot inside!
From the mailman who stops in from a quickie, to the next door neighbor,s wife wanting to borrow a cup of sugar (right after the wife leaves to go on errands).
Serves them right for getting rid of me.
As for me, they play a certain song inside the pet shop hoping that somebody will be buy me;
"HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGY IN THE WINDOW?"
. Quite appropiate don,t you think?
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