Here we go AGAIN! I finally got out of that darn pet store, bought buy a middle-aged humans and his wife, but let me ask you; Do humans really think that they are in control?
That they teach us how to fetch, sit, stand, do tricks, go to the bathroom, etc? Do they really think when dogs bark, they are just making noise?
Well I got some shocking news for you; not only do we understand what you stupid creatures are saying, but we also can talk, just not in the human way.
We have our own canine vocabulary. We bark, pant, whine, or beg (for food or to go outdoors).
Ever heard two dogs barking at each other from a distance? It,s the dog equivalent of humans conversing.
You don,t see us walking around with cell-phones or text-messaging while chasing cars. Besides we would look very foolish now wouldn,t we?
Dumb humans will talk for hours about nothing or something that amounts to nothing. ! Dogs on the other hand, er paw, discuss dog stuff.
We talk about fun things like; chasing cats up trees (good thing the fur balls can climb), bringing in the newspapers for our poor dumb masters (oops, mine don't have a subscription!).
We love gnawing on the mailman,s leg (yummy, tastes like milk bone!), and just sitting and observing humans doing day to day meaningless activities.
For the most part when my master and I are out for a walk, I'm usually well behaved. But let me see a fine she dog (especially in heat)!
Uh oh, here comes one aforementioned female dog with a fine human female walking her towards us.
There is something about a petite, sexy french poodle that really gets my tongue hanging (bow wow wow)!
I,m walking slightly behind my stupid owner but all of a sudden he starts hurrying (like he,s rushing to a fire) with a tight rein on me, messing up my feral game, darn!
I can,t even cop a sniff with this dummy moving so fast!
So I mainly look and pant, my tongue almost dragging the ground. I glance at my master and see him ogling the human female so hard his eyes almost fall out of his head!
He,s so busy looking as they pass by us that he walks right into the tree ahead! Serves the meat bag right for messing up my thing!
You gotta learn dog language folks, believe it or not, we have a lot to say. We say a lot in a few barks than you two-legged meatballs say in 10 hours on the phone.
Human males have the same look with tongue hanging out and drooling at the mouth, when they are interested in human females.
Whats that famous human saying? Oh yeah, "Swing high, high five, swing low too slow!" That,s right most of you dumb brutes miss the boat.
Either you stutter, stammer, or start talking about the wrong subject.
When you try to talk and nothing comes out of your mouths, you call it being "tongue tied".
Liars! I,ve looked directed into your mouths and have yet to see your tongues tied in a knot!
A lot of you don,t have, what,s those green pieces of paper called? Oh yeah, that,s right, M-O-N-E-Y. That,s the stuff my human uses to buy me food and other stuff.
Most of the time when a human female finds that out that her male counterpart doesn,t have those pieces of shredded paper to spend on her, she is gone like the wind! Dogs don,t have that problem do we?
A poor dog has to find a bone and a rich one has a steak brought to him but we still manage to eat. Either way our female dogs love us to death because we are what we are (especially if we dig up a bone for them time to time).
We like the birds and the bees, the flowers and the trees, with no strings attached!
I have noticed human males being attacked verbally and sometimes physically by their mates when they show interest in another human female.
The idiots try to do it on the sly and wind up getting caught.
The results are either; a slap upside the head ( usually with the female,s open hand), a frying pan upside the head ( much WORSE my goodness!), or ejection from the bedroom to the couch!
I,ve watched the "Cheaters" TV show along with my master, of course.
First they try to lie their way out despite getting caught with the pants down (literally). Then they hang their heads down and look stupid.
Pleading, begging and kissing the ground, buying flowers or taking them out to dinner usually works for some to get back into their significant other,s good graces.
Others get their behinds kicked straight to the curve where they belong!
Male dogs, on the other paw, can have as many female members of our species as we can keep up with.
We take them all; short, tall, fat, lazy, blind, crippled or crazy. Dogs are skilled in the art of courtship however brief.
Bring her a bone, sniff her a little bit, do the do, courtship over. We don,t ever worry about child support or even the matter of paternity like you do.
You won,t ever see us on Jerry Springer or Maury Povich shows with all that drama!
What child belongs with who, who slept with who,when, where, all that nonsense. We know our puppies because they look and act just like us!
Human beings don,t know it but we think they are nuts! They even came out with a dumb law that said no dog shall be in public without his human on a leash!
It doesn,t matter that it,s attached to my collar, he thinks he,s in control and shows it when I try to go in another direction with a sharp jerk.
Ain,t that just like a human?
I bet if I break out in a run, this fool on the other end is either going to run real fast or let go! That,ll show his fleshy-boned behind!
To tell the truth, I have done it once or twice just to see his two legged ass scramble behind me.
I got punished and had to stay in the doghouse (pen) for a few days. To you its just three or four days, but in dog time it,s a month in solitary.
My human will feed me while giving me that "I bet you won,t do it again" look.
What the hell, I went and did it again, resulting in being sent to obedience school. My sad dog eye routine isn,t working because it only works with the female variety.
Oh well, at least I have plenty of time to think up something else. I like to let my human think he is in control but the reality is that its the other way around.
Sure I get the paper, bark when someone comes in the yard, play fetch the ball, stick, or whatever.
But the real payoff is: having free housing, food (Kibbles and Bits, Gravy Train, gourmet dog treats!), dog baths (soapy,sudsy) Whoopee!
Other benefits include free health care (a trip to the vet), landscaping (burying and digging up bones), mating with the neighborhood girl dogs (whenever I can get off the confounded leash!), running through the neighborhood with my bark buddies, etc., the whole nine yards.
The best part of it all? I trained my human to always pat and rub my furry head, to feed me at the right time, and to make sure I get plenty of exercise.
Yes its hard training them at times but well worth the effort. I wouldn,t trade my human for all the dog biscuits in the world. After all, it,s a dog,s life!
